Envy, parts 1-29

Hey again. 'Sbeen a while. Sorry to keep you rocking yourself to sleep at night in my absence. (HA)

So remember that thing where all my friends were in relationships?

Still are. Hasn't changed. Now they're just further into all their relationships, which is, y'know, awesome.

I'm really happy for them, of course. I'm like so pleased because they all seem really happy to be with each other and in general and I love my friends to be happy. (You sly devil, you know complaints follow when I start with "I'm happy for them...")

It's been rough on me. Remember how I'm an attention whore? Well it's been even less attention lately for me, which I can handle. Didn't say I could handle it well, though. So I've come up with a theory.

The fact is that I used to be really frustrated about it. Like tear-down-the-walls frustrated, on-the-brink-of-insanity frustrated. Constantly fuming in my own frustration. I wanted to take each of them by the lips and just shake them and make them all be mine instead of each other's or something. Lately, I've moved on to sadness. This is actually pretty recent. Now I'm just sad all the time. I keep feeling all mopey and I've been crying a lot.

I've decided that there are stages of Jealousy, like stages of grief. That's the theory.

JEALOUSY:
Stage 1: The Pangs
This is where classic "jealousy" as you're used to it sets in. It hurts. It feels sour in your throat, it hurts in your stomach. You're a green monster. You want to steal everyone for your own.

Stage 2: Frustration
You can't stand it anymore. Any time any of them demonstrates the tinest bit of unhappiness/inconvenience/mild-annoyance/anything-besides-perfect-bliss you lose it. You want to (or do) throw your hands in the air and storm out, and scream. Your stomach is boiling. Your throat is hoarse.

Stage 3:  Sadness
It's a different sadness from normal sadness; it feels halfway between being actually upset and being upset because of like a tv commercial (is that only me?). You cry a lot. Constantly. You look at them and think, "Why isn't that me?" and you're torn between being happy for them and wanting it to end really REALLY badly.


I imagine there are stages after that, but I've yet to get there. I think it might be like "delusion" and then "compensation" and then "acceptance," but if we even get to "acceptance" without going through like "group murder" and "court of law" and "lifetime conviction" then I will be PLEASANTLY SURPRISED, FELLAS.


It may not be as bad as I make it seem. Obviously I still hang out with them, so it's not big enough of a deal to change my habits. But I am still pretty...disgruntled about it. You know how it is.

Next time, lighthearted tales of adventures in Narnia or some shit. Promise.