I Won't Lie to You, this Post has Zero Plan. Zero.

I'm not kidding about the plan thing.

Usually I at least have some sort of idea when I go to write one of these. So as not to bore the teeming masses of invisible intangible imaginary people who read them. You know, courtesy.

But fellas, today there really isn't anything. I just wanted to write something, I really did. But the only thing I can think about is my freakishly small ears.

It's not that I think they look freakishly small, because I don't. In fact I've never found myself displeased with the proportion of my ears, and as I am a woman and have thus studied all my body parts in detail and with a fierce critical eye, this is an achievement. Ear-wise. But I have to conclude they're freakishly small because OH MY GOD THE PAIN.

You know those earbuds that come with iPods, right? The white ones? Of course you do. I know you're using them to listen to Aerosmith right now. (Why do I assume that the people who read my blog like Aerosmith...? I don't even like Aerosmith...in fact, I can't even name an Aerosmith song. Not one.) The point is, they come in the box, they're not bad sound quality, they, like, provide music. Everyone uses them. They're free (well, relatively. More like a sunk cost. But if your dad is an economist like mine, that means free.)  So they seem like the perfect option for listening to your explicit Aerosmith lyrics when Nana is in the room. (Does Aerosmith have explicit lyrics? And why am I using so many parentheses in one paragraph?)

Except here's the problem. THEY HURT ME LIKE HELL.  Oh, my God, I can't even stand it. It's almost as if they were designed specifically for my torture. Firstly, I can't force them to nestle how I assume they're supposed to in my ears in any way. They're always awkwardly wedged in there, like the proverbial square pegs in round holes. And they defy all logic, too, because they manage to be both too tight and too loose at the same time. I kid you not. They are so tight in my ear that both of mine are literally going numb right now from the pain of using them, but at the same time, they will lift free with the slightest provocation. I barely need to twitch before one or both come careening out of my ears. Personally, I think my ears are forcing them out in self-defense.  It really hurts me, and I forgot how much.

I must be the only one who feels this way. I have to be. Otherwise everyone else is taking great care in the global conspiracy to lie to me. And since no one else is discomforted, I must have freakishly small ears. Which doesn't make sense, because they look normal, and I have a huge head, so they would look even smaller in comparison if they were unusually small.

And I can't just not use the headphones, because my nice ones broke and I don't have any money to buy ones that are not a sunk cost.

Fellas, life is hard.
On the upside, I managed to eek out a post about basically nothing. Feel free to skip it. In fact, just happen navigate away from the page and then come back so you can skip it. I'll wait.

Trachea Envy would Crush the Best of Us

So, this may shock you because I'm the type of person who complains about the syntactical choices of popular fantasy authors, but until very recently I was a Star Wars virgin.

I mean, it's not like I knew NOTHING. I do live in the world as we know it, the one with the internet and such. So I knew everything. That Luke and Leia were siblings. That Darth Vader was Luke's father. That Han Solo gets frozen by the Empire after saying "I know" in response to "I love you." That Chewbacca doesn't get a medal at the end of A New Hope.  I'm telling you that I knew. But I'd never actually seen it, you know, all the way through. From hillbilly farmboy to his elegant weapon from a more civilzied age to light-saber fights to frost planets to Yoda to Death Star 2.0 to Endorian rebellion. (I still haven't seen the prequels, but the Internet at large assures me that I'm not missing much. Except, Natalie Portman, fellas. Even as a straight girl I have to show some love for the Natalie Portman.)

Anyway, I hadn't seen it. So I forced my friend to show me the original trilogy in his basement and we had a gay old time. It was magical. But I actually have a couple of questions.

First, like, what the hell happened to Obi-Wan? I mean, he was "hit" by a light-saber, allegedly, and then he up and vanished. When anyone else in the series gets hit by a light-saber, they get up and dead but the rotting corpse tends to stick around. I don't understand. And then he becomes like an advice-dispensing hologram thing like the carnival game in Big that turned a boy into Tom Hanks. I mean, he was supposed to be dead, right? Like Anakin at the end? (I think that was changed from the original: I saw some sort of DVD version that was prequel-friendly. Don't ask me.) I mean, were they like hi-tech ghosts or was Luke just using The Force to access their...spirits, or whatever?

Also, I'm gonna say something now that may shock you. I want to know where the name Ewok came from. Because, and I promise, fellas, I'm not lying. Seriously. You may want to sit down for this.

They never say the word "ewok" in any of the goddamn films.

I'm telling you. I told you before, I knew everything going in. I knew what an ewok was. I just expected them to say it at some point. But no one. Ever. Does.

So, what, was that a George Lucas press release or something? Or did some fan just come up with it and everyone assumed it was cannon? Because, really. Really.

Also, there is no rational reason on any planet ever that Luke would figure out Leia was his sister. Let's break it down. Obi-Wan's ghost/hologram/Zoltar machine told Luke that his sister was well hidden for her safety or whatever. Do you know what Luke says right after that?

"Leia!" with an air of "Of course!"

Where the hell did he get that? I mean, I don't normally consider prominent public figures to be "well hidden."  Particularly since early in the series Leia and Darth Vader are shown interacting. Personally. And it's clear by their conversation that they've done it before. So it seems like someone who was supposed to be hidden from Darth Vader was absolutely the opposite of Leia. And don't tell me that he like "felt the Force" in her or something, because a) she didn't even feel it herself and b) he would have had to have noticed that much sooner, considering b1) he was practically a Jedi master when he figured this out and b2) Darth Vader had "sensed" Luke's Force being "strong" while he was chasing him in a completely separate fighter jet ship thingy and b3) Luke had actually exchanged genetic material with Leia by this point.

So the only logical conclusion is that Luke immediately went to the first and only girl he knew and Obi-Wan happened to confirm it. It's a good thing that there weren't any other female rebels (or really female people around period), or else it would have been a long guessing game.

Lastly, I have a theory. And that's that Darth Vader is only all mad because of trachea envy.
Examine the evidence.

1) He clearly must not have a normally functioning trachea because you can hear his iconic breathing while he is talking, which is not normal lung/throat/mouth functioning. Therefore, his mask/suit/evil masculinity must be respirating for him independently of his trachea, producing an unrealistic workaround if his trachea actually did work properly.

2) Every time -- and I mean every time -- Darth goes to kill someone who is not a Jedi, he does this by using the Force. To asphyxiate them. By making a pinching motion with his fingers. On his victims' tracheae.

Fellas, it makes so much sense. Anakin is just upset that he can't breathe like a real boy anymore, and it makes him do all sorts of cranky stuff.

Think about that before you smoke: you could be the next Imperial villain.